In a few days, I will take a trip to Wisconsin, a place I’ve never been. My hope is that I will find and rescue BaileighJo, a 1-year old Samoyed. She has been missing for over a month and has endured a blizzard and near zero temperatures. And, I am terrified!
I am not afraid of flying. Piece of cake. I do not know the dog’s owners but I will stay in their home. That doesn’t scare me. I am not afraid of looking for a lost dog. Been there, done that. I respect the possibility that I may fail. Been there, done that too. It’s no fun. I hate failure! However, it does not scare me.
Success. Success is the scary monster which lives under my bed and keeps me up at night. Yes, I am afraid of it. Seems counterintuitive right? Let me explain.
Three nights ago, Cathy and I reunited a wandering little dog with its owner. In a bizarre sequence of events, I was in the right place, at the right time. I firmly believe I was chosen to be the rescuer. It was the third time in 2 months that I have rescued a wayward dog. It was the third time that I have felt awake and aware but yet, so out of control. In each instance, I was guided, pushed, and shoved to create a happy ending for someone, always a stranger. It was the third time I was successful. And it scares me!
What does this mean? Why me? What do I do now? Why am I being put in these situations? I don’t have the answers. I LIKE knowing the answers.
I am a hyper-emotional spirit. I don’t “operate” with business, marketing, or budget plans. I don’t set targets. I don’t make goals. I don’t play by the rules. I don’t color inside the lines. You get the idea.
I am fighting the logical and intellectual side of my personality. I am fighting my own resistance. Is BaileighJo still alive? Is she the one eating the food? Did she make it through the night? Are the footprints in the snow even hers? How much longer can she last? I don’t have the answers. I LIKE knowing the answers. So, I must go to Wisconsin.
I am afraid to succeed because mediocrity is normal for me. It’s what I am used to. I am used to struggling. And, I am more comfortable as a follower than I am a leader. Yet, others, especially God, are putting me in leadership positions. What do they see in me that I cannot see for myself?
I am “seeing” things that I have never looked at before. I hear things above and below the sound waves of my discursive thoughts. I am afraid of this awakening. I am being given gifts that don’t come with instructions. I have to fight my own resistance and learn to use them. My emotions and gut instincts reign over logic. And this scares me, because I have been rewarded. I have been successful.
For years, I have searched for meaning in my life. Lately, I have not had to search. I am being led to places where I am needed. In these places I am both a student and a teacher. In these places there is meaning.
Where are these places? What will I learn? What must I teach? Will I succeed or fail in Wisconsin? What happens after this trip? Will my fragile emotions be able to handle another life-changing experience? I don’t have the answers. I LIKE knowing the answers.
Wherever I am led, wherever I am needed, I will go. I can only do my best and let God take care of the rest.
Be Kind. Be Thankful. Be Significant.