Finding My Direction

 I am lost, really freaking lost.

The “YOU ARE HERE” signs surround me, and they look familiar, but I don’t know where I am. Over the past 30 years, I’ve needed to find my direction many times.

I unconsciously visit this destination frequently. It’s filled with storm clouds and a growing intensity to the winds-of-change which threaten destruction. Despair and discontent engulf me like the thickness of a humid day. I don’t like being here!

During my last visit to “this place” I landed in the hospital with a heart attack, a subsequent stroke, and months of physical rehabilitation to overcome semi-paralysis. I was broken physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

Picture taken in March 2014

In the past, I’ve failed to ask for help and directions which would lead me away from here. I’ve taken alternate routes and used different guidance systems, but I’d always find myself stuck in a proverbial rotary (traffic circle) or pattern of behavior that I just can’t exit.

According to a loosely interpreted definition, I am insane. I try the same approach over and again and hope for a different result. My self-diagnosis: I am intermittently crazy.

A few weeks ago, I took 20 minutes to enjoy an activity that brings me comfort. I put on a set of ear buds, queued up soul-stirring music, and watered our flower garden. In those moments, I was comfortably lost which led to an epiphany.

I can’t fix myself, by myself.

 

Therefore, I have asked for help. I am seeking guidance. I am hopeful – hopeful that a professional will teach me how to get out of this place, and to avoid returning in the future.

It would be easy to blame my current state of health on the external forces of the world which plaque many people. However, I’ve struggled with and battled against this heavy and buried burden for decades.

Why share such intimate details of my personal life? Because I am not alone.

I am surrounded by family and friends and coworkers and strangers who carry burdens and have lost their direction. Your faces, your postures, and your actions all look familiar to me. I know you. I know your pain. I know your struggle. I know your desperation. I understand and I empathize. You are not alone. Never!

I share this post because I want you to know this: It’s okay to admit you are not as strong as you appear. Sometimes, the healer needs to be healed, the leader needs to be led, and the listener needs to be listened to.

Ego has a nasty tendency to lead us down some pretty dark alleys. I believe asking for help is a sign of strength.

What was the soul-stirring music that led to my epiphany? This lyric from the song, Off The Ground, by The Record Company resonated with me “…I had to lose where I was to get my direction…”

And the song that pushed me to finally make a life-changing decision is A Conversation With Alice by Joe Bonamassa, which is about his decision to seek help from a therapist, “…I’m sick and tired of being tired and sick. My conversation with Alice is the best thing I ever did…”

Music has been a best friend to me all my life. I’ve finally learned, after 30+ years, that I need more than just a friend. I need a professional’s help and I will get what I need.

Stay tuned…

Be Kind. Be Thankful. Be Significant.

Peter

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